Reoccurring Vomit

I never saw it coming. My oldest daughter, Elyssa was 7 years old on the night she quietly tip-toed into my bedroom at an hour when normal people don't function. As she proceeded to tap me on the shoulder, my eyes opened just in time to see an inordinate amount of vomit escape from her tiny body, covering my face, pajamas, bed, and floor. 

My husband and I leapt out of bed to deal with the situation, I threw Elyssa and myself in the shower, all of the bedding in the wash, and poor Ken got to clean up the floor. One hour later we were settled back into bed, just a little more "broken in" as parents. 

Fast-forward 7 years. My son, Carson is now 7 years old. We live in a different house in a different state, and I am once again sleeping soundly when I feel a familiar tap on my shoulder. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw little Carson standing there, about to speak, and I inexplicably knew what was about to happen. Without even thinking, my hand shot out towards Carson, pushing him several feet from my bed, just in time to see a deja vu tsunami of vomit shooting out of his mouth and all over my floor. 

The mix of feelings was intense. First came horrendous shame (Did I really just shove my sweet boy across the room when he came to me for comfort? There goes my "mother-of-the-year" nomination...). Shame was accompanied by deep concern for the wellbeing of my son (Hey! I'm not a monster!) But mixed with the shame and concern was an intense shock as I wondered how in the world did I know what he was about to do? 

He had gone to bed seemingly healthy. It had been seven years since that same scenario had played out with Elyssa. I had been woken up by my four children more times than an old lady in church. But never had I reacted with such intensity, and never had I known what would happen without first gathering some data. 

The truth is, our brains are miraculous. When an event is emotional or traumatic in any way, our brains take careful notes of the most minute details in an effort to protect us from such a thing ever happening again. Then when future incidents seem to resemble that traumatic event, our subconscious mind sends us warning signals. The closer the resemblance, the stronger the signals.

These signals can come in the form of anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. As Brene Brown says, we can find ourselves withdrawing, chasing, needing to "take the edge off" with a "couple of beers and a banana nut muffin"...or pushing our child across the room...without a clear, conscious explanation as to why. 

Sometimes when my husband and I have a disagreement, he will want to leave the situation long enough to keep it from getting worse...a cooling off period of sorts. For the first several years of our marriage, this only made the situation worse. Why? Because every time he walked away, my heart would sink. I felt abandoned and worthless, and the phrase, "I am not even worth working things out with" would run through my head. I withdrew, he was confused, and it took days to work things through. 

After much therapy and emotional exploration, I began to realize that when my husband walked away during a challenging moment, my subconscious was triggering me to feel exactly the same way I felt 43 years ago on the day my father moved out...one of the most traumatic days of my life.  I was only 8 years old, and didn't know he was leaving until just moments before. One minute, everything seemed fine, and the next moment, one of the people I loved most in the world didn't live with me anymore. Rather than seeing the situation clearly, my 8-year-old mind told me, "something must be wrong with me. I am not worth working things out with."

Who knew what a profound impact this would have on my life? Who knew that for the next four decades I would believe that lie? Who knew it would make resolving my current challenges all the more difficult as old experiences created reoccurring vomit in my present-day life? 

The good news is, once we are aware that we are being triggered by past memories and emotions, we can identify and correct the false and limiting beliefs we have held onto for years. Now, when my husband needs a moment to collect himself, he knows to tell me, "Honey, I love you and I need a few minutes to calm down. We'll talk through this when I get back" and I know that when he walks away it is actually a sign that he loves me and wants to handle things in a more way positive way.  

Now, don't worry too much about Carson. I have a "therapy fund" put aside for all of the issues I have caused my kids, and he is ultra-forgiving. I'll still never win "Mother-of-the-Year" and I've accepted that. What I'm really working on is identifying the limiting beliefs (or "lies") that I developed in my past that have a negative impact on my life today. Then I can challenge those beliefs, replace them with the truth, and add a greater amount of peace into my life as I stop putting myself and those I love through too many episodes of reoccurring vomit.

---