Feeding Ourselves

Recently, I had a sort of vision. I don’t mean a “saw God on his throne” kind of vision. Trust me, I’m no Isaiah. But it also wasn’t a dream. There were no plot-lines, no bananas turned into alligators, and I felt completely aware. And during the experience, I recognized that what I was seeing was something I should remember. Most of all, I should remember how peaceful I felt.
 
On a cartoon-like and nondescript pale-pink hill, I saw two versions of myself, both as a grown adult, and simultaneously as a small toddler. My toddler-self was sitting in a highchair, totally focused on the face of my adult-self, who was completely in tune with me as I sat in front of her.
 
I sensed an intimate and secure relationship between my selves, based on trust and responsiveness. I realized that the child-me represented my emotions and needs. Like a child, emotions only draw attention to themselves when there is a reason…when they have something to say. Maybe they are saying, “I like this, keep it coming.” They may be saying, “I need something more.” Or perhaps they are saying, “this situation is unsafe. RUN!”
 
For most of my life, I have not only ignored some of those child-like parts that have been trying to get my attention, but have actually despised them…wishing they would shut up, go away, and stop tormenting me. But we all know what a hungry, tired, or scared child does when it is ignored, discounted, or despised: it either explodes, or implodes. In my own life, I imploded. I developed never-ending anxiety, resentment, and an eating disorder. This is not to say that others failed to meet my needs. God surely provided angels in my life. But even angels can’t read minds. They can’t read hearts. And they can’t meet needs that they don’t know exist. This is purely an observation of my own response to my own emotions…those God-given cues that help us recognize our own  needs…and hopefully, find ways of getting them met. It took me half a century to learn how to do that.
 
Through therapy, experience, and a closer connection with the Spirit, I learned how to turn toward those child-like parts…those various emotions that needed to be heard…cared about…cared for. Once I did that, I began experiencing true internal peace. As those child-like parts of me started to realize that I could be trusted…that I could connect with my Self...that I would no longer ignore my needs, or even penalize myself for having them…my child-like parts began to relax. They no longer needed to scream, yell, throw tantrums, or hide. Rather, I could speak up, be vulnerable, and have my needs met…not only by learning how to reach out to trusted people around me, but also by being a trusted person for myself...by giving myself the love, respect, and nurturing that I had always needed.
 
As adult-me, I have learned not to be afraid of my child-like parts. I’ve come to learn that they are not spoiled brats trying to make my life miserable. Nor are they bottomless pits of need. They are simply good, loving children with needs that I am capable of meeting.
 
As I lay in my bed last night, somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, I saw my two selves relating in a symbiotic, loving relationship where needs were detected and met seamlessly, with great love and compassion. There was no need for drama, anxiety, or numbing for either self. Instead, there was an abundance of attunement, trust, and love. In short, there was peace.
 
I believe that human beings find joy and peace when we learn how to both receive nurturing and love from others, and also give that nurturing and love to others. It is hard to receive when we don't feel worthy of that love. And it is hard to give when we feel a well of emptiness within ourselves. I'm grateful for the understanding that all of my parts are worthy of being fed, and that I can be trusted to access the spiritual, emotional, and physical wells of nurturing that allow me to be able to feed myself. And I've come to know that all of your parts are worthy of being fed, and that you too can learn to trust yourself...that you too can access the spiritual, emotional, and physical wells of nurturing and find the peace of feeding yourself.

---