John hated it when she did that. He had already put their challenging 5-year-old twins to bed to try to give his wife a break, so he figured he’d find something funny on television they could watch together. That would cheer Janice up, he was sure. But when Janice had finally drained the water and hung the dishtowel to dry, she marched passed him and snapped, “good night”. Now John was hurt, mad, and confused.
 
He called after her, “hey, don’t you want to watch something together?” “And why would I want to do that?” she yelled from the bedroom. And it was on. If you’ve been in any serious relationship long enough to finish a tube of toothpaste together, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks of what happened after that. John got frustrated. Janice held back tears of rage as she got ready for bed. John tried to find out what was wrong. Janice accused him of not even caring. John raised his voice, which didn’t make Janice feel more cared for. And eventually, you could feel the wall of ice that had formed between them in the bed, as they each faced their own wall and pretended to sleep.
 
In my marriage and family therapy training, I have come to learn some things about the Janice’s and John’s of the world:

• Each is hurting.
• Both of them only want to be closer.
• Both of them waited until their emotions were elevated and ready to explode before they shared them.
• Sharing emotions once they have become explosive only pushes each other further apart.

…and around and around it goes.
 
But it doesn’t have to be that way! When two people are committed to making their relationship better, a good therapist can help them make specific changes that have profound effects.
 
In therapy, people can learn how to:
1. Identify painful emotions when they first appear.
John could not have known that Janice had been resentful for months that she had been left to do the dinner dishes alone, while John got to have quality time with the kids as he put them to bed. He couldn’t know it, because Janice had never told. Instead, she let the clanging pots and silent retreats speak for her. After all, that’s what her mother had done. And when John didn’t put 2 + 2 together, she then concluded he didn’t even care about her feelings. All she really wanted was to be close.
 
Next, in therapy, people can learn how to
2. express their difficult emotions while they are still vulnerable, and easier for their partner to take in:
At any point in this scenario, Janice could have said, “Hey, I notice that you put the kids to bed each night. I appreciate that you’re there for them, and you’re a good dad. But I really want to be a part of that too. But because I get stuck doing the dishes after dinner, I feel left out.”
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
3. listen with the intent to thoroughly understand their partner.
Imagine how different it would have been if John had sat down with Janice and asked, “Hey, I can tell you are upset, and I want to help. Could we sit down for a minute so that I can really hear you? I want to help if I can.”
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
4. Share their wants and wishes for themselves, for their partner, and for their relationship.
How do you think Janice and John’s relationship would improve if Janice could have said, “What I want for myself is to have a partner in the cleaning up, and to be a part of that family time of getting the kids in bed; what I want for you is to feel valued and connected to me and the kids each night; and what I want for us is to be united in our responsibilities, and to have time to connect with each other at night”?[1]
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
5. Come up with solutions that meet both of their needs and improve their connection to one another.
Had Janice and John been able to effectively communicate about their feelings and experiences, there is no end to the possible solutions they could have come up with that would have improved the secure connection between them[2]. They might choose to do the dishes together before putting the kids to bed together. They might have included the kids in the clean-up process, or invest in a bigger dishwasher!
 
If you find yourself wishing you could communicate with your partner, your child, your parent or friend more effectively, you’re not alone. It may be that finding a marriage and family therapist near you could be the tool you’ve been looking for.


[1] Miller, S., Miller, P., Nunnally, E. W., & Wackman, D. B. (2007). Couple communication 1: Collaborative marriage skills (5th ed.). Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc.
[2] Johnson, S. M. (2020). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.

​Becoming a marriage and family therapist has been not only rewarding and challenging, but an amazing opportunity to learn from my clients. I often wish that everyone could hear the important and tender moments that happen behind those closed doors. So, while confidentiality is crucial, I’ve chosen to take some time over the next few months and share with you some of the things I think everyone should know…things that can bring us closer to the ones we love, rather than further apart.
 
Jane and John (Names have been changed. You may see a lot of “Jane and John” in these blogs.) sat in my office last week, both in tears. It was over. Really over. They had been coming to my office for the past six months and struggled to do the things being asked of them. I don’t blame them at all. Sometimes, by the time you come in for help, each partner has build up walls of protection to avoid exposure to their partner’s angry voice, or dismissing attitude.
 
By far, couples who seek Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) find great success and form more secure bonds with their partner, and then use that secure attachment to handle life’s challenges together. But this couple appeared to be on the other side of the statistics as they sat on my couch. They cried. I cried. It isn’t that they don’t love each other. They have just given up hope of ever being able to be better together, and Jane decided that she no longer wanted to try. I felt her pain at this decision. I felt his pain as his feelings of rejection filled the room.
 
In our following conversations, Jane said something that was so important that I had to write it down. She began, “I believe I know the minute this happened. It was 7 years ago when I begged him to go to counseling with me and he refused. After trying and trying, and seeing that it wasn’t going to get any better, I stopped being a ‘we’, and began being ‘me’.”
 
My heart just stopped. Somewhere in my heart, I knew exactly what she was saying. When my husband travelled 5 days out of 7, I felt that sense of “we” slipping away. My husband and I made a conscious choice to change jobs and make sure our life was together, as we wanted it to be. We could both see the danger of where the “me” path could lead.
 
This doesn’t mean that every person in a partnership isn’t also a “me”. Every healthy relationship is made of two individual people who have unique feelings, desires, and needs. Our uniqueness is what adds the color to our relationships. In fact, both Jane and John have very successful careers while still finding time for their children. In reality, what Jane was referring to was the moment when she realized…and then decided…that they were no longer a team.
 
To his credit, John had been afraid of going to counseling: afraid his wife and the therapist would hammer him over the head with everything they thought was wrong with him; afraid that the therapist would “side with his wife”. After four more lonely years past, they finally went, but by then the walls of pain, loneliness, and resentment had built up higher than they now feel able or willing to tear down.
 
And so, I leave you with a question to ask you about the relationships in your life? Are you a “we”? Or are you a “me”? Do you find yourself working with your partner or…going it alone? Do you take the initiative to reach out to your children and grandchildren…or sit lonely by the telephone hoping someone will call? Do you reach out to neighbors…or wonder why others don’t invite you over to game night? Do you draw others at work into your circle…or rely on your own skills and talents to get the job done?
 
If you find that your more important relationships are on the verge of…or have already become “me” relationships, reach out for help. There IS help. There are beautiful relationships being healed every day. Reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you decide if the relationship is worth the work of becoming a “we” once again.