Me, Not We

​Becoming a marriage and family therapist has been not only rewarding and challenging, but an amazing opportunity to learn from my clients. I often wish that everyone could hear the important and tender moments that happen behind those closed doors. So, while confidentiality is crucial, I’ve chosen to take some time over the next few months and share with you some of the things I think everyone should know…things that can bring us closer to the ones we love, rather than further apart.
 
Jane and John (Names have been changed. You may see a lot of “Jane and John” in these blogs.) sat in my office last week, both in tears. It was over. Really over. They had been coming to my office for the past six months and struggled to do the things being asked of them. I don’t blame them at all. Sometimes, by the time you come in for help, each partner has build up walls of protection to avoid exposure to their partner’s angry voice, or dismissing attitude.
 
By far, couples who seek Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) find great success and form more secure bonds with their partner, and then use that secure attachment to handle life’s challenges together. But this couple appeared to be on the other side of the statistics as they sat on my couch. They cried. I cried. It isn’t that they don’t love each other. They have just given up hope of ever being able to be better together, and Jane decided that she no longer wanted to try. I felt her pain at this decision. I felt his pain as his feelings of rejection filled the room.
 
In our following conversations, Jane said something that was so important that I had to write it down. She began, “I believe I know the minute this happened. It was 7 years ago when I begged him to go to counseling with me and he refused. After trying and trying, and seeing that it wasn’t going to get any better, I stopped being a ‘we’, and began being ‘me’.”
 
My heart just stopped. Somewhere in my heart, I knew exactly what she was saying. When my husband travelled 5 days out of 7, I felt that sense of “we” slipping away. My husband and I made a conscious choice to change jobs and make sure our life was together, as we wanted it to be. We could both see the danger of where the “me” path could lead.
 
This doesn’t mean that every person in a partnership isn’t also a “me”. Every healthy relationship is made of two individual people who have unique feelings, desires, and needs. Our uniqueness is what adds the color to our relationships. In fact, both Jane and John have very successful careers while still finding time for their children. In reality, what Jane was referring to was the moment when she realized…and then decided…that they were no longer a team.
 
To his credit, John had been afraid of going to counseling: afraid his wife and the therapist would hammer him over the head with everything they thought was wrong with him; afraid that the therapist would “side with his wife”. After four more lonely years past, they finally went, but by then the walls of pain, loneliness, and resentment had built up higher than they now feel able or willing to tear down.
 
And so, I leave you with a question to ask you about the relationships in your life? Are you a “we”? Or are you a “me”? Do you find yourself working with your partner or…going it alone? Do you take the initiative to reach out to your children and grandchildren…or sit lonely by the telephone hoping someone will call? Do you reach out to neighbors…or wonder why others don’t invite you over to game night? Do you draw others at work into your circle…or rely on your own skills and talents to get the job done?
 
If you find that your more important relationships are on the verge of…or have already become “me” relationships, reach out for help. There IS help. There are beautiful relationships being healed every day. Reach out to a qualified mental health professional. They can help you decide if the relationship is worth the work of becoming a “we” once again.

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