We Just Can't Communicate!

The number one concern couples report when they come into my therapy office is that they “just don’t know how to communicate”. As someone who has been married for 34 years, I get it. Relationships are hard, and one of the toughest things we do…or perhaps don’t do…is communicate. But trust me, there is actual hope on the horizon. You can learn to have conversations about hard things that can actually bring you closer together, instead of further apart.
 
34-year-old Janice mutters under her breath as she washes the dishes alone after dinner while her husband, 36-year-old John, sits on the couch, remote in hand, searching for something to watch. He can tell she seems agitated about something as the dishes clang against each other a little louder than normal. But when he asked her what was wrong, she quipped a quick “nothing”, and kept on washing.

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John hated it when she did that. He had already put their challenging 5-year-old twins to bed to try to give his wife a break, so he figured he’d find something funny on television they could watch together. That would cheer Janice up, he was sure. But when Janice had finally drained the water and hung the dishtowel to dry, she marched passed him and snapped, “good night”. Now John was hurt, mad, and confused.
 
He called after her, “hey, don’t you want to watch something together?” “And why would I want to do that?” she yelled from the bedroom. And it was on. If you’ve been in any serious relationship long enough to finish a tube of toothpaste together, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks of what happened after that. John got frustrated. Janice held back tears of rage as she got ready for bed. John tried to find out what was wrong. Janice accused him of not even caring. John raised his voice, which didn’t make Janice feel more cared for. And eventually, you could feel the wall of ice that had formed between them in the bed, as they each faced their own wall and pretended to sleep.
 
In my marriage and family therapy training, I have come to learn some things about the Janice’s and John’s of the world:

• Each is hurting.
• Both of them only want to be closer.
• Both of them waited until their emotions were elevated and ready to explode before they shared them.
• Sharing emotions once they have become explosive only pushes each other further apart.

…and around and around it goes.
 
But it doesn’t have to be that way! When two people are committed to making their relationship better, a good therapist can help them make specific changes that have profound effects.
 
In therapy, people can learn how to:
1. Identify painful emotions when they first appear.
John could not have known that Janice had been resentful for months that she had been left to do the dinner dishes alone, while John got to have quality time with the kids as he put them to bed. He couldn’t know it, because Janice had never told. Instead, she let the clanging pots and silent retreats speak for her. After all, that’s what her mother had done. And when John didn’t put 2 + 2 together, she then concluded he didn’t even care about her feelings. All she really wanted was to be close.
 
Next, in therapy, people can learn how to
2. express their difficult emotions while they are still vulnerable, and easier for their partner to take in:
At any point in this scenario, Janice could have said, “Hey, I notice that you put the kids to bed each night. I appreciate that you’re there for them, and you’re a good dad. But I really want to be a part of that too. But because I get stuck doing the dishes after dinner, I feel left out.”
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
3. listen with the intent to thoroughly understand their partner.
Imagine how different it would have been if John had sat down with Janice and asked, “Hey, I can tell you are upset, and I want to help. Could we sit down for a minute so that I can really hear you? I want to help if I can.”
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
4. Share their wants and wishes for themselves, for their partner, and for their relationship.
How do you think Janice and John’s relationship would improve if Janice could have said, “What I want for myself is to have a partner in the cleaning up, and to be a part of that family time of getting the kids in bed; what I want for you is to feel valued and connected to me and the kids each night; and what I want for us is to be united in our responsibilities, and to have time to connect with each other at night”?[1]
 
In therapy, people can learn how to
5. Come up with solutions that meet both of their needs and improve their connection to one another.
Had Janice and John been able to effectively communicate about their feelings and experiences, there is no end to the possible solutions they could have come up with that would have improved the secure connection between them[2]. They might choose to do the dishes together before putting the kids to bed together. They might have included the kids in the clean-up process, or invest in a bigger dishwasher!
 
If you find yourself wishing you could communicate with your partner, your child, your parent or friend more effectively, you’re not alone. It may be that finding a marriage and family therapist near you could be the tool you’ve been looking for.


[1] Miller, S., Miller, P., Nunnally, E. W., & Wackman, D. B. (2007). Couple communication 1: Collaborative marriage skills (5th ed.). Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc.
[2] Johnson, S. M. (2020). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (3rd ed.). Routledge.

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