I don’t remember sneaking food until I was 8 years old…the year my parents divorced. Mom had taken on a full-time job, and went from teaching a few piano students a week to over 40. When she got home from her day job, she had to teach piano students into the night, and I would usually hang out in the basement, watching t.v. and supposedly doing homework until she finished.

I still remember keeping a large spoon in the laundry room where the freezer was kept so that I could take a large mouthful of whatever ice cream was calling my name at the moment, quickly returning the spoon to it’s hiding place. The sugary sweetness seemed a temporary reprieve from the anxiety I now felt regularly, though I didn’t understand why. I’d swallow the creamy goodness before anyone could discover my deceit, telling myself it was the last spoonful. But it never was “the last one.” I was ashamed of myself and didn’t know why I just didn’t seem to be able to stop.

That habit didn’t stop for decades. When anxiety became intense, I found myself secretly turning to my sugary cravings for distraction. I had no idea through those years that within that habit were two problems: I was aware that I needed to stop eating so much food. I feared being overweight, and dieted constantly to try to mitigate the damage I was doing to my body. What I didn’t realize was that the very act of sneaking was also damaging my soul.

In the process of finding peace with food, sneaking was one of the first things that had to go. As Geneen Roth says in her post Confessions of a Food Sneak, “Sneaking food perpetuates the belief that who you really are is unlovable, too intense, and must be hidden. Being sneaky about your feelings means not telling the truth. If you sneak food, chances are you tell other lies.” She couldn’t have been more accurate!
It wasn’t just food I was sneaking all of those years. It was my feelings. My thoughts. I constantly monitored the outside world to determine what words were safe to say, what thoughts were safe to think. If I ever dared to be myself for a moment and got a negative reaction, I recoiled from myself and tried harder to be what others thought I should be.
It should be no surprise then, that giving up the habit of sneaking food also meant giving up the sneakiness of hiding myself. I had to learn that not only was it OK to eat a brownie if I felt like it…in front of the whole world…it was also OK to have my own unique thoughts and opinions, whether it made others upset or not. Becoming transparent has been a process of learning to value myself…not just my own food preferences, but also my own thoughts, feelings, and needs.
As I started to claim my right to eat in front of others, it was just a matter of time before I started to realize that I didn’t always want brownies for lunch. I started to develop greater faith in myself. I am not an insatiable monster. Most of the time, I actually don’t want to keep eating when I’m full. Thus, it is usually quite easy to stop. There is room for progress, but my faith in myself continues to grow.
As I started to speak my truths to whoever needed to hear them, I started to realize that they were important for others to hear, even when they would be far more comfortable if I simply parroted their own minds back to them. I started to own my own truths, and allow them to own theirs. My self-esteem started to recover. The need to binge decreased with my willingness to speak my truth, and I literally stopped eating my own words.
The root of the word transparency is the Latin word transparentem, which means “see light through.” When I lived in a world of sneakiness, I felt surrounded by darkness. Becoming transparent has set my soul free and filled it with large amounts of light. Of my 10 Commandments that have become the guiding stars of my personal life, maybe nothing has been more life-changing than Commandment #2: Be Transparent.

I’m lying in bed in the middle of the afternoon for a much-needed nap after a 6-hour night’s sleep. Some people, like my husband, can function quite well for days at a time on 6 hours of sleep. I, however, have never been one of them. Anything less than 7 hours leaves me feeling as if I’ve just come down with the flu. So once I’ve finished my morning responsibilities, I lay down to catch a few z’s. Just as I start to drift off, I hear someone coming into the house. Like a jack rabbit, I’m standing next to my bed, fixing my hair, and look like I was simply coming into the bedroom to dutifully put something away.

I’m a grown adult who certainly knows when she needs a nap. I’m not a lazy person, in fact, I work quite hard. So why would I feel so urgently to not appear sleeping? The truth is, I have always been too worried about what other people think.
 
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a pleaser. Desperate for the approval of others, I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. From turning my right foot out when I walk to be “just like dad”, to playing Barbies when it bored me to tears, I spent much of my time hoping that if I could just mold myself into what everyone else wanted me to be, I would finally be “enough”. Good enough, lovable enough, smart enough, or pretty enough. And I didn’t outgrow it. That’s why in her book, “The Happiness Project”, Gretchen Rubin shared that one of her foundational principles is to “Be Gretchen” it resonated so powerfully for me.
 
Not surprisingly, throughout my life I also had an intense level of anxiety. I used to think it was simply inherited and there was nothing I could do about it. I have since come to realize that most of my anxiety stems from an intense need to be what other people want me to be. Believing that I could chameleon myself into what would make others happy was an impossible task. And further believing that their love and acceptance of me depended upon my chameleon-like abilities added immense pressure. And finally, believing that my ultimate worth dependent on the love and acceptance of others was the nail in the coffin that sent me reeling in a never-ending spiral of anxiety.
 
The answer for me would quickly become my first personal commandment: Be Becky.
 
Do I feel the need to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon? Then I should take one. Do I want to sing and be silly in the grocery store with my kids? Then it’s time to sing away! Do I want to eat a brownie for lunch, wear white after Labor Day, and use too many exclamation points in my emails? Then I may have to ignore the judgy stares, hold my head up high, and decide that liking myself is far more important than whether or not others like me.

I recently listened to Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project, a wonderful book that follows the author through a year of resolutions, each specifically designed to increase her overall happiness. From the moment I read the title, I knew it was something I had to listen to, and I downloaded it immediately. Each month, Gretchen set a handful of resolutions in a specific area she wanted to focus on that month, and added more to the list as the year progressed.
 
I enjoyed her monthly progress, but one of my favorite parts of the book was something she shared near the beginning, which she called her 12 Commandments. These were basically 12 truths that she had learned throughout her life that guided her behavior and helped her make decisions that would help lead her to greater happiness.  I began thinking to myself, what are my commandments? What are the non-changing truths that help to bring about a life of happiness and peace?
 
As I began to write, I discovered that I did, in fact, have several guiding truths about life that I ascribe to. I also found that I could not word them any better than Gretchen already had. Therefore, I give her full credit for several on this list, though the experiences that have taught me these truths are entirely my own.
 
I settled on 10 commandments for the time being. There is no magic to the number 10, though it was good enough for God, and I think He is a pretty good role model to follow. I also expect that over time, this list will alter and grow, or change shape entirely, for that is the nature of lists. I am not the same person I was one month ago, and I am hopeful that next month, life will illuminate more truths for me to capture.
 
For today, my 10 Commandments are:
1.Be Becky.
2.Be transparent.
3.Heed all engine warning lights.
4.Give Your Lemons to the Great Lemonade Maker.
5.Act the way you want to feel.
6.Preserve personal peace.
7.Be a connector.
8.Live in the now.
9.Show proofs of love.
10.Always, “yes, and….” Never, “no, but….”
 
Over the next 10 weeks, I will share with you what these 10 Commandments mean to me. For this week, I challenge you to share with me, what are your personal commandments? What are some of the things that you know to be 100% true, that you use to guide you through the never-ending threats to your peace? What are your 10 Commandments of Happiness?