 No amount of professional smiles could hide the terror I saw in my fellow public speakers, or felt in myself, when Sylvie di Giusto announced just what was coming next. We would spend the next 5 minutes walking around the room with a sheet of white sticky labels in one hand and a pen in the other, and purposely pass snap judgments on one another.
Sylvie had already done an expert job of explaining that first impressions are made in only 7 seconds and it was our turn to share our first impressions of our colleagues. As we approached someone, we quickly wrote the first word that came to our mind when we saw that person, peeled off the label, and placed it on their back, saving a measure of “face” for everyone involved. In 5 short minutes, we were left with a handful of literal and figurative “labels” to categorize and make sense of, and to ponder the sort of first impression we make on those we interact with each day. As nervous as we all were when we the assignment was first given, the exercise was relatively painless because, as Sylvie said, most of us lied. In other words, we are generally nice people and we chose the nice things we could say about the other person. The judgments made in the real world, however, are not so concerned with preserving social capital, and I couldn’t help but wonder what the unvarnished truth would look like for me. For me, one of the most telling parts of this experience was what raced through my own mind when I first realized what the nature of the exercise would be. “Will they see how insecure I feel today? This outfit makes me look frumpy. Will this be the moment they wonder how they ever let me in this amazing group?” Though fleeting, the thoughts were there and as I thought about them in the quiet moments since that evening, I have come to an eye-opening realization. As much as we wish to be “labeled” by others in positive ways, the labels we place on ourselves have a powerful effect on the way we present ourselves to others, and thus, have a strong effect on the labels others subsequently place upon us. When we label ourselves as “incompetent”, “over our heads” or “less than”, we create an emotional vibration that is hard to hide. That emotion may affect how we dress, how we carry ourselves, or whether we are able to be completely present when someone is speaking to us, rather than wondering if this skirt really was the right choice. Labeling is a game our brains are all wired to play…like it or not. But that doesn’t mean that a label cannot be changed. When a first impression is less than positive, Confirmation Bias, or the tendency for our brains to search for evidence that our initial impressions were correct, works against us. Not only do we seek to prove ourselves right, but we actually ignore signs that we may be wrong. This can be overcome only with a highly conscious effort to seek out the things we may be missing. The same is true when we try to change our own labels we have placed on ourselves. Do you fear you are incompetent? Spend time actively looking for the ways that you are competent. Are you really over your head? Or can you find examples in your past where you have taken on new challenges and come out on top? Feeling less than? Start giving yourself credit for the unique ways in which you contribute to the world. If you really feel you must label yourself, try on this label for size: You are unique, and talented. You have a gift to share that will make the world a better place to be. No one has your exact experiences or perspectives. No one has learned the same things you have learned in the way you have learned them. The world needs you. You are a divine creation of God. And that is the greatest label of all.
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 “A beggar had been sitting by the side of a road for over thirty years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. “I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you are sitting on?” “Nothing,” replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.” “Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger. “No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.” “Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.” (Excerpt from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now)
It is fairly safe to say that at some point in your life, you have felt empty inside…as if there was nothing of value there. We have all been there. Some of us have wallowed there like hopeless beggars for far too much of our lives. Today, I share Eckhart Tolle’s parable to help you see that you have been valuable all along. You have had the answers inside of you all along. You are resourced to accomplished your wildest, most passionate dreams, long before you knew you had them. That is the job of a good coach. The best coach cannot choose your path, but they can help you discern it. The most experienced coach cannot give you their confidence, they must teach you how to develop it. The greatest of coaches cannot give you what you are looking for…they can only help you discover it within yourself. The answers lie within you…today…this very hour. You have only to have enough faith to look inside the box.  By the end of May we will have married off 3 beautiful daughters. Each looked like princesses in their beautiful gowns, but the end result came after a lot of work, and frankly, a few tears. Multiple shopping trips, followed by endless tailoring appointments, got us closer and closer to creating the fairytale image they were seeking. In one desperate attempt to create the perfect fit, I wound up buying $900 (yes, you read that right) NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of form-fitting shapers to achieve the perfect fit desired, breathing room being a luxury at this point. (Shout out to Kohl’s for their amazing return policy!)
Having “dress #3” ready to go, I breathed a sigh of relief and could not help but think about how this experience applies so accurately to the rest of our lives. The world tells us what we should look like, act like, walk and talk like. It tells us when it thinks we are too short, tall, round, or thin. And all the while, we often find ourselves doing whatever it takes to mold ourselves into what others want us to be. What if we allowed ourselves to simple be? What if we let our clothing fit us, rather than the other way around? What if we just embraced our way of walking and talking? Our height and breadth? What if we realized that believing we are “good enough” today does not prohibit us from being better tomorrow? What if we stopped judging others and started loving them where they are…how they are…today…while still giving them breathing room to do, have, or be more tomorrow? What if we realized that fairytales are simply that, and that life is lived by real, genuine, slightly broken, good-enough people, and that we are one of them? So, put on your proverbial sweat pants, throw on your comfy shoes, and take a load off…off of your heart and mind, and realize that today, you can just be.
My husband and I leapt out of bed to deal with the situation, I threw Elyssa and myself in the shower, all of the bedding in the wash, and poor Ken got to clean up the floor. One hour later we were settled back into bed, just a little more "broken in" as parents.
Fast-forward 7 years. My son, Carson is now 7 years old. We live in a different house in a different state, and I am once again sleeping soundly when I feel a familiar tap on my shoulder. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw little Carson standing there, about to speak, and I inexplicably knew what was about to happen. Without even thinking, my hand shot out towards Carson, pushing him several feet from my bed, just in time to see a deja vu tsunami of vomit shooting out of his mouth and all over my floor. The mix of feelings was intense. First came horrendous shame (Did I really just shove my sweet boy across the room when he came to me for comfort? There goes my "mother-of-the-year" nomination...). Shame was accompanied by deep concern for the wellbeing of my son (Hey! I'm not a monster!) But mixed with the shame and concern was an intense shock as I wondered how in the world did I know what he was about to do? He had gone to bed seemingly healthy. It had been seven years since that same scenario had played out with Elyssa. I had been woken up by my four children more times than an old lady in church. But never had I reacted with such intensity, and never had I known what would happen without first gathering some data. The truth is, our brains are miraculous. When an event is emotional or traumatic in any way, our brains take careful notes of the most minute details in an effort to protect us from such a thing ever happening again. Then when future incidents seem to resemble that traumatic event, our subconscious mind sends us warning signals. The closer the resemblance, the stronger the signals. These signals can come in the form of anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. As Brene Brown says, we can find ourselves withdrawing, chasing, needing to "take the edge off" with a "couple of beers and a banana nut muffin"...or pushing our child across the room...without a clear, conscious explanation as to why. Sometimes when my husband and I have a disagreement, he will want to leave the situation long enough to keep it from getting worse...a cooling off period of sorts. For the first several years of our marriage, this only made the situation worse. Why? Because every time he walked away, my heart would sink. I felt abandoned and worthless, and the phrase, "I am not even worth working things out with" would run through my head. I withdrew, he was confused, and it took days to work things through. After much therapy and emotional exploration, I began to realize that when my husband walked away during a challenging moment, my subconscious was triggering me to feel exactly the same way I felt 43 years ago on the day my father moved out...one of the most traumatic days of my life. I was only 8 years old, and didn't know he was leaving until just moments before. One minute, everything seemed fine, and the next moment, one of the people I loved most in the world didn't live with me anymore. Rather than seeing the situation clearly, my 8-year-old mind told me, "something must be wrong with me. I am not worth working things out with." Who knew what a profound impact this would have on my life? Who knew that for the next four decades I would believe that lie? Who knew it would make resolving my current challenges all the more difficult as old experiences created reoccurring vomit in my present-day life? The good news is, once we are aware that we are being triggered by past memories and emotions, we can identify and correct the false and limiting beliefs we have held onto for years. Now, when my husband needs a moment to collect himself, he knows to tell me, "Honey, I love you and I need a few minutes to calm down. We'll talk through this when I get back" and I know that when he walks away it is actually a sign that he loves me and wants to handle things in a more way positive way. Now, don't worry too much about Carson. I have a "therapy fund" put aside for all of the issues I have caused my kids, and he is ultra-forgiving. I'll still never win "Mother-of-the-Year" and I've accepted that. What I'm really working on is identifying the limiting beliefs (or "lies") that I developed in my past that have a negative impact on my life today. Then I can challenge those beliefs, replace them with the truth, and add a greater amount of peace into my life as I stop putting myself and those I love through too many episodes of reoccurring vomit.
Today, we’re learning about the second step in building an effective play, and that is using our “L”, which stands for “lies.” What are the lies, or limiting beliefs that you tend to believe in that situation that make it difficult for you to follow through on your goals.
For example, maybe Sunday dinner at Mom’s house is difficult because she makes all of your childhood favorites, complete with dessert, and you usually end up eating way past full and leaving with regrets. Some of the lies you might be buying into could be:
Simply examining our own thoughts and challenging them creates space in our minds for the next step of creating an effective PLAY, which is identifying the actions we will take. We’ll learn more about that next week. I hope you will be joining me for one of our FREE Sample Group Meetings and experience for yourself what it’s like to join a From Food to Faith group. If you haven’t registered yet, click HERE. On that live, online meeting, I’ll be helping participants develop a personalized plan of their own, from start to finish! See for yourself that it IS possible to make peace with food and with yourself. It is possible to move From Food to Faith.
As a leadership trainer, I love helping organizations and people recognize the power they have over their own happiness, not to mention the influence they can have on their influence over others. One of my favorite ways to teach this lesson is by sharing the famous Fish! Philosophy.
The four simple principles of the Fish! Philosophy can change any person…any organization…from one of apathy and boredom, to one of excitement, energy and joy! And it can happen faster than you think. The Fish! Philosophy was developed by the Seattle Pike Place Fish market. These fish mongers had a sweaty, dirty job, repetitive day after day. Like all the surrounding fish markets, the atmosphere had become draining. There was no energy and the employees could hardly wait to leave work each day. But one day, they realized that it didn’t have to be that way. They could choose to make their fish market world famous, and turn those same hard-working jobs, into meaningful opportunities to serve others, all while having a wonderful time themselves. Over the next four weeks, we’ll discuss the four principles of the Fish! Philosophy: 1. Choose Your Attitude. 2. Be there. 3. Make their day. 4. Play. You may wonder, what does the Fish! Philosophy have to do with me? Good question! Do you want to have more energy? Do you want to enjoy your work? Do you want to create better connections with those around you? Would you like to increase your influence with your family, friends and coworkers? Would you like your challenges to fly by with fun and excitement? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s time to learn about…and embrace…the philosophy that has enhanced 80% of Fortune 500 companies. If you’re ready to take your life, or the life of your organization, it’s time to go Fish! Bring Fish! to your organization
In four one-hour sessions, Becky can help transform your company culture, and help your team make their work – and their lives – more positive and productive.
The world would have you believe that you cannot be trusted…that the only way to finally be happy with your body is to turn your will (and your money) over to them. In return, they promise to give you a slimmer and trimmer you before you can say “swimsuit season”. But can they? Can they really?
Countless studies have shown that diets don’t work. And those who engage in diets end up slowing down their metabolism and gaining even more weight when the diet inevitably comes to an end. That doesn’t sound like a very “happy new year” to me. But there is good news! YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. DIET. That’s right. You. The person who may have put on a few pounds this holiday season. You do not need to give your power away to any diet program, pill or promise this year. You can find peace with food and with your body once and for all and you don’t have to buy any special food. You don’t need to deprive yourself of all of the normal, enjoyable foods of life. You can learn to be an intuitive eater (#shameandguiltnotincluded). You can learn to listen for your own hunger. You can enjoy the foods you really love. You can learn to honor your body’s satiety cues. You can have more health, vitality, and freedom than you’ve ever experienced before. Now THAT’S what I call a HAPPY NEW YEAR! If you are ready to end your war with food once and for all, join me on Instagram and Facebook for regular support on your journey From Food to Faith. This is one journey that I can guarantee has the power to make this one very Happy New Year indeed! 
Book Becky for a speaking engagements for 2019
Every good leader has a vision for their organization. Let me help get your vision into the hearts and minds of your organization. Contact me for more information.
When taking pictures of a baby, try getting down on their level to see things as they do. When taking a picture of flowers, try focusing in on just one flower, or better yet, a recurring pattern within the leaves. Realtors know that an aerial view of a yard can be much more attractive than one from the typical eye-level.
I have learned that the same can be true about life. By the time you have circled the sun a few decades, it can be hard to remember that your perspective on life is not the only possible view. We think we know people, situations and things. We predict what will happen at work. We mind-read our loved ones. We decide what is possible based on what we believe has “always been”. What would happen if you spent just a moment looking at your life from a different view? What does it look like through the eyes of your child or parent? What might you attempt if you had never failed before? Is there beauty in the individual pieces of your life that you have missed in an effort to fix the whole? A good coach is trained to help you view the challenges of your life differently…in a way that can help you see and access their possibility and potential…and help you use those challenges to bring greater significance and beauty to the life you live. Before you give up on your dream…before you settle for the everyday picture, do yourself a favor and get a new perspective.
Meet Rugby!
Rugby is a mixed breed known as a Bernedoodle. His mother was a Bernese Mountain Dog and his father, a Miniature Poodle. Rugby is the most adorable ball of fluff you've ever seen. People stop us all the time to tell us, "He looks just like a stuffed animal!" And he does. He loves to play, adores contact with people, thrives on playtime at the dog park. When you mix two breeds, you take your chances on which traits the pup will inherit. One of the physical traits Rugby inherited from his mother is the Bernese Mountain Dog fur which is silky soft and water resistant. From his father, he inherited the curl of a poodle and the blessing that he also doesn't shed -- a must for someone allergy-ridden like me. 
The similarities to his parents don’t stop at his appearance. One of the behavioral traits he inherited from his mother is the tendency to chew on wood. (Who knew that was an inherited trait, right?) This can be very annoying when you have lined your yard in trees or filled your flower beds with wood bark. As a puppy, he loved to get a good hunk of wood and shred it all over the grass (if we were lucky) or the carpet (if we weren’t). From his father, he inherited a tendency to bark at people when they come to the door.
All of us have traits we have inherited from those who came before us, whether by DNA or the conditioning that we learned in our youth. Sometimes those traits are like soft fur that we cherish and enjoy. Other times, they resemble tendencies that call our name like a juicy piece of wood in the backyard...pieces of ourselves that we try to ignore or wish would go away. For example, did you learn from your parents to love and forgive others? To embrace people and build them up? Or did you perhaps inherit an attitude of picking and choosing who deserves love or mercy? Did you inherit a positive self-esteem that made you feel you could conquer anything? Or did you absorb traits of fear and timidity? Did you inherit an attitude of faith and possibility? Or one of skepticism and doubt? Did you learn to face your challenges with faith and optimism? Or with a handful of Oreos and a box of tissues? The truth is, regardless of the situation in which you were raised, you likely learned some things that you will want to hang onto and pass onto your own children, as well as things that you struggle to overcome. How do I know this? Because you are human. You families were human. The good news is that choosing the life you want to lead…in spite of your conditioning…is the birthright of all of God’s children. It's true that we are heavily affected by both the literal and environmental genes we grow up with, and though we can't change the height of our stature (see Luke 12:25) or the texture of our hair, we can change our attitudes, our beliefs, our actions. And the reason we can do this is because God made us each agents unto ourselves. That means that, as adults, we cannot blame anyone or anything for our own thoughts, words and actions. On the door leading to our garage, I have two magnets. One reads: "Whether your life is happy or not, is your own choice" - Nick Vuyicic The other: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." – Thoreau These two magnets represent one of the greatest lesson I have learned on my path of intuitive eating, and that is that I have complete control over my own life. We loved and adored Rugby when he was a rambunctious puppy, but that didn't mean we were content to let him chew up our trees or bark at guests just because his genetic conditioning told him to. With time, patience, and practice, he was able to learn that wood was not one of the basic 4 food groups, and that guests enjoy him much more when they are not afraid of him. We taught him these things because we want him to be happy, and he will be happiest when he is healthy and has a positive relationship with those he comes in contact with each and every day. I'm grateful for all of the positive things that have been passed down to me in my own genetics and conditioning, and I am deeply grateful that I can choose to overcome any conditioning of my past that does not serve me. I am striving to improve upon the life I was given, just as I hope my children are working to improve what was handed down to them. (Good luck, Kids!) The truth is, none of us will be able to overcome the conditioning of our past if we leave it up to chance. Those decisions will have to be made through conscious choice. Each and every day you have the choice to leave your future up to the conditioning and external circumstances you find yourself in, or to choose your own pathway to happiness. So…what will it be? Chance…or choice?
Each morning I began with a recommitment to exercising faith in God, but every time a cupcake walked by, it seemed that my beliefs went right out the window until I found myself lying in bed that night, physically, emotionally and spiritually miserable after exercising more faith in food than in God. It just didn’t seem to add up.
As I began to learn that my problem was not food…that my problem was actually spiritual, it all began to make sense. I started to recognize a series of limiting beliefs that I had bought into as a child. For example, the belief that I would always love others more than they would love me, or the belief that it was my job to make others happy. When I started to see that those limiting beliefs were conflicting with what I knew about God, my purpose here on the earth, and the way things really worked, I started to see how my thought and behaviors were also conflicting for so many years. Once I started aligning my beliefs with what I knew to be true, the internal conflict began to cease. My “system” started functioning better. I started finding more peace in my heart and mind, which affected my behaviors, and the results of that system started to improve accordingly. If your system is getting results you don’t particularly like, it’s time to examine the system thoroughly to discover where the bugs are. Sometimes, a professional with training and experience can help us find and fix those glitches faster than we are able to on our own. However you go about it, when the results are not what you want, it's time to take pieces apart the systems we have relied upon for our entire lives and figure out what it is about that system that is creating the results we are getting. It's time to throw out the old and broken pieces and replace them with the parts that function properly and in harmony with the rest of the machine. In short, it’s time to fix the system. |
AuthorAfter decades of my life being centered around food, I finally started to realize that I did not have a food management problem. In all actuality, I had an emotion management problem. - Becky Ivory Archives (August 2018-Present)
September 2021
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