Google estimates that there are 552,000 therapists in the United States. That seems about right, as I’ve kept a handful of them busy throughout my adulthood. I’m sure I’ve paid off more than one student loan in my quest to correct the thinking errors I accumulated throughout my life. Do I mind? Not at all. God bless therapists!
 
In all of my years sitting on office coaches, sometimes with a tissue in one hand and a notebook in the other, I’ve heard a lot of valuable words. Words like boundaries, transference, cognitive, and subconscious have become a part of my vocabulary. But by far, my most favorite word I’ve ever learned in therapy is next.
 
You see, no matter what has happened to you in your past…no matter what you’ve seen, heard, felt, or done, it is all in the past. This does not mean we cannot learn from it. Indeed, I believe it is crucial that we do in order to avoid repeating those patterns in the future. But it does not mean we have to continue to live in the past.
 
When old beliefs of failure, inadequacy, or powerlessness arise in our minds, we can simply recognize them, acknowledge that they are there, realize that those are feelings we used to feel and beliefs we used to believe, and then choose to move on to live the life that is before us now. Like a Broadway director sifting through singers in an audition, we can brush aside unwanted beliefs with a strong and resolute, “Next?”  
 
Because there is a “next”! Our past doesn’t have to equal our future. Being powerless as a child does not resign us to be powerless adults. Having dark, or lonely, or fearful chapters as the beginning of our story does not have to equal a sad and dismal ending? WE HAVE A CHOICE.
 
Perhaps it is time in your life to really look at the things that affected you in the past. Acknowledge that they are there…that they affected you…that they hurt and that you did not like them. It’s OK. The world won’t fall apart if you admit that your family wasn’t perfect…that you’ve made some big mistakes. Welcome to the world, my friend. All aboard! Then once you have made peace with your past, it is time to look toward the future, and declare what is perhaps the most beautiful word in the English language: “next?”

​The Diving Bell Spider is the only species of spider to live almost entirely underwater. Though it is not amphibious, it rests, mates, catches and eats its prey, lays eggs and winters all under water.
How can it do this if it still needs to oxygen to live? Simple…ok…simple for her. She surfaces only long enough to trap oxygen in the fine hairs of her abdomen, and then stores that oxygen in an intricate silk web underwater. Each trip to the surface replenishes her supply and adds to her collection. In this self-made home-sweet-home, the Diving Bell Spider has learned to adapt to an environment normally hostile to survival to one such as her, but Bell…my hero…has found her own unique way.
In the quest to find peace from destructive behaviors and beliefs, there are naysayers everywhere. People come out of the woodwork to crush your dreams, or share their own stories of failure, as if you should “not get your hopes up too high.” We hear statistics on the number of people with eating disorders, failed business attempts, divorces, and relapses. It’s enough to make you tear down your web before you even start to weave it.
But Bell doesn’t listen to the killjoys of the surface. Instead, she makes her home in the depths of the impossible, where the neighbors are distant, the water is clean, and the fishing is fantastic.
I’ll be the first to admit that when I run up against obstacles, my first thoughts tend to resemble more of  the “I can’t” model. But, like my friend Bell, I’m here to tell you that it is possible to challenge those thoughts and turn them into powerful considerations of “how can I?”
We can fill our bubble with life-promoting oxygen, like spiritual strength, good people, and true principles, that will keep us going regardless of how threatening our surroundings may be. And, just like Bell, we must replenish those supplies continually…never assuming that we’ve arrived in some super-bubble state that will protect us for life. Thank you, Bell, for reminding me that we can live a life of success and significance, and that peace, like oxygen, must be cultivated and sought after, one breath at a time. 

By the end of May we will have married off 3 beautiful daughters. Each looked like princesses in their beautiful gowns, but the end result came after a lot of work, and frankly, a few tears. Multiple shopping trips, followed by endless tailoring appointments, got us closer and closer to creating the fairytale image they were seeking. In one desperate attempt to create the perfect fit, I wound up buying $900 (yes, you read that right) NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of form-fitting shapers to achieve the perfect fit desired, breathing room being a luxury at this point. (Shout out to Kohl’s for their amazing return policy!)
 
Having “dress #3” ready to go, I breathed a sigh of relief and could not help but think about how this experience applies so accurately to the rest of our lives.
 
The world tells us what we should look like, act like, walk and talk like. It tells us when it thinks we are too short, tall, round, or thin. And all the while, we often find ourselves doing whatever it takes to mold ourselves into what others want us to be.
 
What if we allowed ourselves to simple be? What if we let our clothing fit us, rather than the other way around? What if we just embraced our way of walking and talking? Our height and breadth? What if we realized that believing we are “good enough” today does not prohibit us from being better tomorrow?
 
What if we stopped judging others and started loving them where they are…how they are…today…while still giving them breathing room to do, have, or be more tomorrow?
 
What if we realized that fairytales are simply that, and that life is lived by real, genuine, slightly broken, good-enough people, and that we are one of them?
 
So, put on your proverbial sweat pants, throw on your comfy shoes, and take a load off…off of your heart and mind, and realize that today, you can just be.
​

My husband and I leapt out of bed to deal with the situation, I threw Elyssa and myself in the shower, all of the bedding in the wash, and poor Ken got to clean up the floor. One hour later we were settled back into bed, just a little more "broken in" as parents. 

Fast-forward 7 years. My son, Carson is now 7 years old. We live in a different house in a different state, and I am once again sleeping soundly when I feel a familiar tap on my shoulder. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw little Carson standing there, about to speak, and I inexplicably knew what was about to happen. Without even thinking, my hand shot out towards Carson, pushing him several feet from my bed, just in time to see a deja vu tsunami of vomit shooting out of his mouth and all over my floor. 

The mix of feelings was intense. First came horrendous shame (Did I really just shove my sweet boy across the room when he came to me for comfort? There goes my "mother-of-the-year" nomination...). Shame was accompanied by deep concern for the wellbeing of my son (Hey! I'm not a monster!) But mixed with the shame and concern was an intense shock as I wondered how in the world did I know what he was about to do? 

He had gone to bed seemingly healthy. It had been seven years since that same scenario had played out with Elyssa. I had been woken up by my four children more times than an old lady in church. But never had I reacted with such intensity, and never had I known what would happen without first gathering some data. 

The truth is, our brains are miraculous. When an event is emotional or traumatic in any way, our brains take careful notes of the most minute details in an effort to protect us from such a thing ever happening again. Then when future incidents seem to resemble that traumatic event, our subconscious mind sends us warning signals. The closer the resemblance, the stronger the signals.

These signals can come in the form of anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. As Brene Brown says, we can find ourselves withdrawing, chasing, needing to "take the edge off" with a "couple of beers and a banana nut muffin"...or pushing our child across the room...without a clear, conscious explanation as to why. 

Sometimes when my husband and I have a disagreement, he will want to leave the situation long enough to keep it from getting worse...a cooling off period of sorts. For the first several years of our marriage, this only made the situation worse. Why? Because every time he walked away, my heart would sink. I felt abandoned and worthless, and the phrase, "I am not even worth working things out with" would run through my head. I withdrew, he was confused, and it took days to work things through. 

After much therapy and emotional exploration, I began to realize that when my husband walked away during a challenging moment, my subconscious was triggering me to feel exactly the same way I felt 43 years ago on the day my father moved out...one of the most traumatic days of my life.  I was only 8 years old, and didn't know he was leaving until just moments before. One minute, everything seemed fine, and the next moment, one of the people I loved most in the world didn't live with me anymore. Rather than seeing the situation clearly, my 8-year-old mind told me, "something must be wrong with me. I am not worth working things out with."

Who knew what a profound impact this would have on my life? Who knew that for the next four decades I would believe that lie? Who knew it would make resolving my current challenges all the more difficult as old experiences created reoccurring vomit in my present-day life? 

The good news is, once we are aware that we are being triggered by past memories and emotions, we can identify and correct the false and limiting beliefs we have held onto for years. Now, when my husband needs a moment to collect himself, he knows to tell me, "Honey, I love you and I need a few minutes to calm down. We'll talk through this when I get back" and I know that when he walks away it is actually a sign that he loves me and wants to handle things in a more way positive way.  

Now, don't worry too much about Carson. I have a "therapy fund" put aside for all of the issues I have caused my kids, and he is ultra-forgiving. I'll still never win "Mother-of-the-Year" and I've accepted that. What I'm really working on is identifying the limiting beliefs (or "lies") that I developed in my past that have a negative impact on my life today. Then I can challenge those beliefs, replace them with the truth, and add a greater amount of peace into my life as I stop putting myself and those I love through too many episodes of reoccurring vomit.

​The world would have you believe that you cannot be trusted…that the only way to finally be happy with your body is to turn your will (and your money) over to them. In return, they promise to give you a slimmer and trimmer you before you can say “swimsuit season”. But can they? Can they really?
 
Countless studies have shown that diets don’t work. And those who engage in diets end up slowing down their metabolism and gaining even more weight when the diet inevitably comes to an end. That doesn’t sound like a very “happy new year” to me. But there is good news!
 
YOU. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. DIET. That’s right. You. The person who may have put on a few pounds this holiday season. You do not need to give your power away to any diet program, pill or promise this year. You can find peace with food and with your body once and for all and you don’t have to buy any special food. You don’t need to deprive yourself of all of the normal, enjoyable foods of life. You can learn to be an intuitive eater (#shameandguiltnotincluded).
 
You can learn to listen for your own hunger. You can enjoy the foods you really love. You can learn to honor your body’s satiety cues. You can have more health, vitality, and freedom than you’ve ever experienced before. Now THAT’S what I call a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
 
If you are ready to end your war with food once and for all, join me on Instagram and Facebook for regular support on your journey From Food to Faith. This is one journey that I can guarantee has the power to make this one very Happy New Year indeed!

Book Becky for a speaking engagements for 2019
Every good leader has a vision for their organization. Let me help get your vision into the hearts and minds of your organization. Contact me for more information.

​When taking pictures of a baby, try getting down on their level to see things as they do. When taking a picture of flowers, try focusing in on just one flower, or better yet, a recurring pattern within the leaves. Realtors know that an aerial view of a yard can be much more attractive than one from the typical eye-level.
 
I have learned that the same can be true about life.
 
By the time you have circled the sun a few decades, it can be hard to remember that your perspective on life is not the only possible view. We think we know people, situations and things. We predict what will happen at work. We mind-read our loved ones. We decide what is possible based on what we believe has “always been”.
 
What would happen if you spent just a moment looking at your life from a different view? What does it look like through the eyes of your child or parent? What might you attempt if you had never failed before? Is there beauty in the individual pieces of your life that you have missed in an effort to fix the whole?
 
A good coach is trained to help you view the challenges of your life differently…in a way that can help you see and access their possibility and potential…and help you use those challenges to bring greater significance and beauty to the life you live.
 
Before you give up on your dream…before you settle for the everyday picture, do yourself a favor and get a new perspective. 

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

​
This week I pray that your storms will help you to grow tall and straight, strong and sure. If your troubles feel like strong wind, drenching rain, bitter snow or blistering sun, you are in the company of great men and women from all generations of time, who allowed the challenges of life to transform them into the great patriarchs and matriarchs that now offer strength to us. 

​Little Carson quickly piped up, “Not to talk!”
 
Sometimes, we can be surrounded by truth and still miss the message. I'm afraid that when it came to developing a healthy relationship with food, I spent years in the movie, but mistakenly thought the point was to learn to keep my mouth shut.
 
I had been on one diet or another for nearly 30 years, dieting my way UP 127 pounds, but still believed that happiness was just around the corner if I could just shut my mouth and stop using food like a drug. What I didn't realize is that I was missing the entire point of the movie.
 
Once I got a good coach, I began to understand that the point of this "movie" is not just to stop overeating or reach a certain size, but it is to recognize and change our weaknesses and false beliefs that caused the pain we have been numbing with food all of these years.
 
 
That was when I truly started to make progress. I began working to overcome my fears, my false beliefs, and replace them with truth. I began to recognize my worth, challenge my insecurities, and before long I was experiencing moments of peace that I had only dreamed about before.
 
Over time I developed greater consistency, and thus, greater results. I continue to work this day to overcome fears that arise, and I still have to challenge old beliefs when they pop up, but today, I look forward to it because I have developed greater faith in the process, faith in the Lord, and faith in myself.
 
The great thing is, once you learn to pay attention to the movie, you don't have to struggle not to talk through it anymore. You don't want to talk...you're too busy experiencing it...learning from it...being changed by it. Once you have been changed by it, you will want to invite others to the movie and help them be profoundly changed by it as well. After all, this one's a blockbuster!

My mother had returned to the states and my husband to work and I began to wonder if God had made a gigantic mistake by entrusting this amazing child to my care. I had no idea what I was doing, and this beautiful baby made that clear with her endless crying that she too was seeking someone more skilled than me.
 
The Japanese are incredibly generous people, and when someone has a baby, it is common to send gifts such as honeydew melon or cheesecake. At the time, I much preferred cheesecake, and I was not disappointed. However, the anxiety that came with the belief that I was an inept mother sent me running to food to calm my fears multiple times a day. And having a seemingly endless supply of cheesecake may not have been the best idea.
 
One morning, while pacing the tiny apartment with this screaming infant in my arms, my mind kept looking at the cheesecake delivered the day before. Ken and I had eaten two pieces of it after dinner and now the other 14 pieces were calling my name, like the siren-song that would bring me peace. But how can I eat more without Ken knowing about it? The struggle was on.
 
Soon, however, the cheesecake gods sent another cheesecake to the door…one that Ken knew nothing about. Driven by pure anxiety, I dove into yesterday’s cheesecake. You know the old saying, “First a sliver, then a slice, then a slab, then a slob.” And before I knew it, I had eaten the entire cheesecake from the night before, AND two more pieces out of the new cheesecake to make it appear like it was yesterday’s cheesecake. Putting the wrapping in the outside bin, I prayed that Ken would be none the wiser.
 
Now physically sick and emotionally numb, I put a smile on my face when Ken got home, handed him the still-screaming baby, and promised myself once again that “this would be the last time”, still convinced that no one would ever know.
 
The funny thing is, I have learned that the cheesecake always shows. It surely showed up on my backside. It showed up in the internal pressure I felt from my secrecy and dishonesty. It showed up when it made it just that much easier to binge the next time. It showed up every moment of every day as I knew in my heart that I was not being true to the person I really was. My body suffered, my spirit suffered, and my self-respect suffered.

When hiding is needed at home, wrappers can hide inside other containers in the garbage can, or at the bottom of the bag. There are all sorts of ways that the evidence can be hidden…except when it can’t.

​In all of those situations, I successfully avoided the immediately judgment of those around me, but I could not hide the long-term affects of my eating…weight gain…and worst of all, I could not hide the pressure of guilt and shame I felt as I knew my own deceit and failure.
 
Recently, I was reading a beautiful scripture where the prophet Nephi is lamenting his sins and subsequently praising God for his faithfulness and love. Verse 27 reads, “And why should I yield to sin…because of my flesh? And why should I give way to temptation…to destroy my peace and afflict my soul [ellipses added]? I have read this scripture hundreds of times, and yet this time this last sentence grabbed my attention.
 
I have given way to temptation literally thousands of times when it came to numbing my emotions with food. Every morning I would swear that today it would not happen. I would follow my diet…I would not cave in to anxiety…I would exercise faith in God. But far too often, I would fail before the Oprah show could come on, spend the rest of the day focused on food, and fall into bed with tremendous guilt and shame, only to arise with the same empty-but-sincere promises to myself and God the next morning.
 
For decades, I would have told you that if I could binge forever and not gain any weight, I would. I thought I loved food. I thought that weight-gain was the problem. But the truth is, food was only the symptom of self-hatred and anxiety, and the weight-gain was certainly not the worst symptom of a binge.
 
As Nephi pinpoints in this simple sentence, the worst symptom of binging…of turning to food in an attempt to find peace…was that “the evil one [had] place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul”.  Day after day, year after year, decade after decade, I was giving Satan an almost-daily opportunity to destroy my peace.
 
I believed his lies that I was worthless and powerless. I denied God the opportunity to show me His love and power. I was far too used to giving up real peace, for the false promise of peace through an inanimate object...food. Food has no ability to bring peace. God does.
 
Now, when I find myself engulfed in the temptation to turn to food for peace, this memorized scripture has the power to remind me that giving way to temptation only leads to “the evil one having place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul.” It does not lead to the peace I am seeking.
 
Once I began to truly understand this, I found that I was not so easily deceived by the false promises I had bought into for far too long. This simple reminder by an ancient prophet is usually enough to help me seek peace where it actually exists. It exists in truth. It exists in aligning ourselves with truth. It exists in God. ​