There are times in one's life, that change you forever. In my experience, these are not grandiose moments, worthy of media coverage. They are not noised to the world in any way. At least for me, they have been quiet, earth-shattering moments, that have changed my heart forever. And at those moments, no one in the world knew I was a different person forevermore...except for me. 

One such moment came when I was a freshman in college. I had been sexually abused by a teacher since midway through my 9th grade year and had been too weak...too naive...to afraid of abandonment to do anything about it. But as I grew and matured, and began finding my own voice, I knew I could not live another day as things were. It would change, or I would die trying. 

That was the first time I ever went to my bishop for help. I was beyond terrified. I feared my life, as I knew it, would end. But the misery I had lived with for four years compelled me to move forward...to do whatever it took. I cannot adequately describe what happened in that meeting. I was probably in his office for less than an hour. But when I walked outside of that church building and headed for my car, I was a changed human being. Completely and utterly changed. I felt peace I had not known in many years. I felt strength I didn't know was possible. And I knew that I would never allow myself to be taken advantage of again. 

In the October 1985 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then-Elder Ezra Taft Benson made a statement that I surely didn't understand at the time, but in time would become one of my favorite quotes. Why? Because I lived it. He said, "The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature." (Ezra Taft Benson, Conference Report, October 1985, pp. 5-6)

Once I walked out of that church that night, I was never molested again. Why? It certainly wasn't because this teacher had changed. She had not. And she did all in her power to manipulate me for several months. Did it work? It did not. In fact, I was so strengthened by the Lord's spirit, that I was able to stand strong, even at steep costs. For the first time in my life, I was willing to stand 100% alone. 

How could my life be changed in one hour? How could I change from being completely manipulatable to standing like a rock? Because in that hour, I was filled with the knowledge of His love. I knew of my own worth. I saw a better life for myself. In short, the Lord took the slum out of Becky Ivory. After that, it was practically easy to take myself out of the slum. I knew I didn't belong there in the first place. My very nature had been changed. 

If you find yourself living in the slums of life, my best advise to you is to stop focusing on the outside, and let the Savior of the World begin to work on your from the inside out. Be willing to do whatever He asks, and I know that He will show you the light and brilliance and beauty that is you. He will take the slums out of you, and you, in turn, will find yourself with the strength, the courage, and the light, to finally take yourself out of the slums. 

I grew up with what today is known as “anxiety”. Back in the 70s, I had never even heard the word, but from as far back as I can remember, I was always walking on eggshells. Always afraid of being rejected, I tried to be perfect in everything I said and did. Knowing that I was horribly far away from my goal of perfection, I was constantly filled with the fear that I would never, ever be “good enough”…whatever that means.
 
A wise therapist once told me, “anxiety is caused by inaccurate expectations.” How right he was! ​I wrongly expected that I could be perfect. And yet we know that no mortal has ever been perfect on this earth, and no one is going to be perfect in the future either. Expecting the impossible is the perfect recipe for anxiety.
 
In my fear, I found myself constantly asking the question, what if? What if I mess it up? What if they don’t like me? What if I make the wrong decision? What if my best intentions fail? With that type of questioning, it’s no wonder I felt frozen with fear at times…afraid to move forward at all. I knew that fear was a recipe for disaster. I wanted to be positive but I just didn’t know how to turn it around.
 
Over the years I’ve learned that “what if” is actually the perfect question to ask if you want to live a positive life. The trick is to ask it while looking forward to all of the positive things that could be in store. What if I’m successful? What if I can make a new friend at this event? What if this step is the breakthrough I’ve been waiting for? What if tonight I go to bed realizing how blessed I really am?
 
“What if” can be the catalyst for positive thoughts, which can lead to positive actions, which can lead to positive outcomes.
 
So the next time you find yourself “what if-ing” yourself into a frenzy, try turning the negative around and practice imagining all of the things that could go right in your day today. It’s a powerful way to introduce yourself into the world of the peaceful…the joyous…and the world of success!

Google estimates that there are 552,000 therapists in the United States. That seems about right, as I’ve kept a handful of them busy throughout my adulthood. I’m sure I’ve paid off more than one student loan in my quest to correct the thinking errors I accumulated throughout my life. Do I mind? Not at all. God bless therapists!
 
In all of my years sitting on office coaches, sometimes with a tissue in one hand and a notebook in the other, I’ve heard a lot of valuable words. Words like boundaries, transference, cognitive, and subconscious have become a part of my vocabulary. But by far, my most favorite word I’ve ever learned in therapy is next.
 
You see, no matter what has happened to you in your past…no matter what you’ve seen, heard, felt, or done, it is all in the past. This does not mean we cannot learn from it. Indeed, I believe it is crucial that we do in order to avoid repeating those patterns in the future. But it does not mean we have to continue to live in the past.
 
When old beliefs of failure, inadequacy, or powerlessness arise in our minds, we can simply recognize them, acknowledge that they are there, realize that those are feelings we used to feel and beliefs we used to believe, and then choose to move on to live the life that is before us now. Like a Broadway director sifting through singers in an audition, we can brush aside unwanted beliefs with a strong and resolute, “Next?”  
 
Because there is a “next”! Our past doesn’t have to equal our future. Being powerless as a child does not resign us to be powerless adults. Having dark, or lonely, or fearful chapters as the beginning of our story does not have to equal a sad and dismal ending? WE HAVE A CHOICE.
 
Perhaps it is time in your life to really look at the things that affected you in the past. Acknowledge that they are there…that they affected you…that they hurt and that you did not like them. It’s OK. The world won’t fall apart if you admit that your family wasn’t perfect…that you’ve made some big mistakes. Welcome to the world, my friend. All aboard! Then once you have made peace with your past, it is time to look toward the future, and declare what is perhaps the most beautiful word in the English language: “next?”

I’ve reached that age. You know…the age where you find yourself entering a room only to wonder what on earth am I doing here? The age where you forget the occasional birthday, or search for 10 minutes to find the phone…the same phone that you’ve been holding to your ear during the entire search. I don’t know if my occasional forgetfulness is a result of my natural blondeness, or a sign of aging, but I do know that it is a source of many amusing stories at our house.
 
A quick digital search of the scriptures shows that the word remember is used over 167 times in the Old Testament, 36 times in the New Testament, and more than 200 times in modern revelation found in the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price. With this information, one has to ask, just what is it that the Lord is so concerned about us remembering? And why?
 
The other morning I was reading one of my favorite passages from Alma the Younger (Alma 36) and saw that it started with Alma encouraging his son Helaman to…you guessed it…remember.
“I would that ye should do as I have done, in remembering the captivity of our fathers….”
This plea to remember the captivity of our fathers appears many times in the scriptures. But why? Why would we dwell on the times when our ancestors were the most miserable…the times they struggled the most…when life just didn’t seem to be on their side? Shouldn’t we be more focused on the future? Or perhaps on the here-and-now? After all, we only have the present moment, right?
Luckily for us, Alma explains why we should always remember the captivity of our fathers as he continues: “…for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it was the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob; and he surely did deliver them in their afflictions.”
Alma’s charge to remember the captivity of our fathers is intended to help us remember that, though they were in the most dire of circumstances, God did not forget them. And when the timing was perfect, He did deliver them in the perfect place, and in the perfect way for them.
Imagine Moses and the Israelites backed up against the Red Sea, facing what appeared to be certain death, only to watch the seas part as they left their enemies behind. Imagine the woman who suffered with an issue of blood for many years, receiving immediate healing after exercising enough faith to simply touch the robe of Jesus. Imagine the face of a woman trapped in a life of sin and caught in the act of adultery, punishable by death, when she realizes that the Savior of the World has forgiven her and bids her sin no more.
 
God wants us to remember the captivity of our fathers so that we can remember that despite the dire circumstances they found themselves in, God did deliver them, and just as surely, He can deliver us.
In my life, I have experienced emotional bondage that lasted so long that I could not remember a time when I did not feel the shackles digging into my spiritual flesh. There have been heartaches so deep I was convinced there was no balm for my soul. There have been habits so entrenched that I felt doomed to a life of submission to practices that robbed me of joy. In short, I know, in my own way, what it means to be in bondage.
At those times, my study of the scriptures helped me hold onto my faith that this bondage was only temporary, and that despite the evidence to the contrary, God had not forgotten me. So I continued to work…to fight…to hold onto my faith.
Today, I can lift my voice with Alma in testifying that “…I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions and shall be lifted up at the last day.”
Just when I had come to the conclusion that I would have to learn to endure a life of anxiety, God gave me peace. When I feared I would never find the words to speak my truth, God restored my voice. When it seemed I would always be in the bonds of addiction, God blessed me with freedom.
Lest you think all of my problems are gone, let me assure you that there are plenty of prayers whose answers remain a mystery. But as I remember those who have come before me, and their miraculous stories of deliverance, I add them to the collection of stories that have become my own life. I remember that God is good, God is powerful, and God will continue to deliver me at just the right times and in the perfect ways, and I will yet have more stories to add to the Book of Life which is mine.
Why do we remember? We remember so that we can anticipate the hand of God to be revealed in our own lives. We look back so that we can look forward…not with fear, but with faith. In this way, we give ourselves the gift of remembering our way to faith.
 

Much to my frustration, within minutes he was back out like Braveheart on a freedom quest. Once again, I pulled over, swatted his behind, delivered the necessary speech, buckling him back into his now-tightened car seat…this time with a bit more sternness, in hopes he would understand the seriousness of the situation. His continued smile didn’t give me much hope. 
But before I could pat myself on the back, I looked in the rear-view mirror only to see that Houdini had outdone himself, and was again freely roaming the backseat. That was IT! I stormed out of the car, threw his door open and angrily swatted his bottom, once again. The lecture was louder, and the car seat was adjusted to “Defcon Straitjack”.
Just as I was beginning to wonder where my parenting manual was, my sweet Carson pulled me close and, with an unphased-smile, gave me a heart-melting hug exclaiming, “I love you!”, topping it off with a kiss.

My friends, happiness is a choice.
 
For many years, happiness was elusive to me. It seemed to depend on outward circumstances: were the people I loved happy with me? Did I look the right way? Was I accepted? Did I get what I wanted? When I wasn’t happy, the only way I knew to deal with that disappointment was by turning to food for distraction and maybe a little bit of sugar-induced sweetness.
I have come to learn that distractions do not equal happiness, and that true, internal happiness is not conditioned upon what happens to us, but rather what happens within us.
Jim Rohn shares that happiness is something we must weave. If we want to have a happy day we must weave it strand upon strand. If we want a happy career we will have to carefully weave that career with the fabric that happiness is made of. Happy marriages…happy families…happy hearts…are all products of carefully woven choices that can be learned. Just as we can learn the skills of financial success, so can we learn the skills of weaving a happy life.
For a born Eeyore like me, this idea was revolutionary! To realize that I could be happy just like little Carson…even when those I love are angry with my choices, cause me pain, or put a straitjacket on my freedom, I can choose to love, I can choose to be happy.
It’s time to stop looking outside of ourselves for sources of joy and peace. It’s time to start taking a look inside of our own hearts and minds, and make the daily choice to weave happiness. 

I waited and waited for the water to turn hot so that I could rinse off the face wash of my nightly routine. It didn’t take long to realize that something was wrong and I resigned myself to the rude awakening of the still-chilly substance coming out of the tap.
“Honey…,” I yelled, “the water heater is busted again.” Confused, he came in the bathroom and turned on the hot-water faucet. Immediately steam began to gather on the mirror. Questioning glances were quickly followed by belly laughs as I realized I had turned on the cold faucet, but expected hot water. What can I say? The blonde on my head is real.
How many times have you been convinced that something in your life is broken? We say things to ourselves like, “I don’t have what it takes,” “I’ll never be able to do that,” or “it just doesn’t work for me.” But the truth is, true principles are always true principles, and if you follow them, the results will come.
In the Doctrine and Covenants we read that “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—and when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.” If you step off of a cliff, the law of gravity will let you fly…for a moment…until you come to a painful and abrupt stop. If you get in a properly functioning plane, the law of gravity and lift will allow you to fly around the world, and the only pain you are likely to feel will come from the endless reruns of The Prince of Bel Air.

​The Diving Bell Spider is the only species of spider to live almost entirely underwater. Though it is not amphibious, it rests, mates, catches and eats its prey, lays eggs and winters all under water.
How can it do this if it still needs to oxygen to live? Simple…ok…simple for her. She surfaces only long enough to trap oxygen in the fine hairs of her abdomen, and then stores that oxygen in an intricate silk web underwater. Each trip to the surface replenishes her supply and adds to her collection. In this self-made home-sweet-home, the Diving Bell Spider has learned to adapt to an environment normally hostile to survival to one such as her, but Bell…my hero…has found her own unique way.
In the quest to find peace from destructive behaviors and beliefs, there are naysayers everywhere. People come out of the woodwork to crush your dreams, or share their own stories of failure, as if you should “not get your hopes up too high.” We hear statistics on the number of people with eating disorders, failed business attempts, divorces, and relapses. It’s enough to make you tear down your web before you even start to weave it.
But Bell doesn’t listen to the killjoys of the surface. Instead, she makes her home in the depths of the impossible, where the neighbors are distant, the water is clean, and the fishing is fantastic.
I’ll be the first to admit that when I run up against obstacles, my first thoughts tend to resemble more of  the “I can’t” model. But, like my friend Bell, I’m here to tell you that it is possible to challenge those thoughts and turn them into powerful considerations of “how can I?”
We can fill our bubble with life-promoting oxygen, like spiritual strength, good people, and true principles, that will keep us going regardless of how threatening our surroundings may be. And, just like Bell, we must replenish those supplies continually…never assuming that we’ve arrived in some super-bubble state that will protect us for life. Thank you, Bell, for reminding me that we can live a life of success and significance, and that peace, like oxygen, must be cultivated and sought after, one breath at a time. 

BIG NEWS! Over the past several months, BeckyIvory.com has been growing leaps and bounds in helping people live their best lives! Because of the demands for a variety of services, BeckyIvory.com is undergoing some changes that will affect your inbox.

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I'm very excited about the growth that is happening as I train leaders in our community. The creation of our foundation is particularly exciting! With the help of local businesses and individuals, we are working to equip our youth with leadership skills that can inoculate them against the many social and emotional diseases they are facing. Learn more about what we are doing and how you may be able to help!

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See you next week with your first Ivory Insights!
Becky

In a well-meaning effort to avoid financial cost, this company’s manager had unwittingly cost his company between $10-20,000 a year per employee in wasted productivity, simply because he was unwilling to change with the times.
 
Dinosaurs went extinct for a reason. Don’t be one.
 
One of the essential leadership skills for every successful leader is the ability to be fearlessly agile. To be agile means to be able to think, understand, and move quickly. When a prospective client has a different vision for your partnership, when your HR team approaches you with an unforeseen problem, or even when you get a call from the high school principal that says, “we need to talk”, being able to think clearly, assess a situation, and find solutions on your feet will likely make the difference in your level of success.
 
One of the ways to stay flexible in our ability to lead is by being clear on the principles that drive your decisions. Are you committed to not spending money on a new operating system, or are you committed to productivity? Are you clinging to the way you bill a client, or to adding value in all of your interactions? When we are focused on guiding principles, then we can be comfortable altering our practices while still remaining authentic to our purpose.
 
One of my business clients was used to selling her services in a “piecemeal” fashion. When her top client began wanting more and more of her services, they found that cost was becoming an issue. Because the motivating principle for my client was to offer great value to her clients, while still honoring her own, she was able to offer this company a consulting contract that would work to both keep their costs down, and give her the stability she needed to give them her best work, while taking care of the needs of her own company. It was a win-win for everyone because she had developed fearless agility through our work together.
 
Dinosaurs certainly had their place in this world, but you won’t see them leading in any modern-day pursuits. By developing great clarity on your leadership principles, you will have a strong axis around which you can tailor your practices to the needs at hand, and seeing within yourself the true leadership quality of fearless agility.
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